PART 11: DNA RESULTS! WHERE THE F&^% IS MAURY?
OK - now shit's getting real. September 21st!
We ordered the DNA kit's STAT! (Why am I using medical terminology like Stat? never used that in my life.)
Not only am I brown but apparently I know surgeon speak as well.
Watch your ass DOOGIE HOWSER!
The way this works is that the company sends out two different kits. One to me and one to my potential dad. We both spit in these things and send them off to the company.
I decided to send mine to my sisters so that they could physically give it to him.
It's not that I didn't trust him but I just wanted validation... OK! I didn't trust him.
Don't judge me damnit!
I mean at this point I don't know the guy. He's going around banging chicks and having all these damn kids.. who knows?
For those of you that really know me.. you know damn well I don't have any patience. I am very much a "RIGHT NOW" kind of guy.
Waiting just absolutely hurts my soul. It's painful.
So..I paid for the expedited shipping because I wanted these results ASAP.
Got the whole test all sent off and everything. We paid for 72 hour results! LONGEST 72 hours of my life!!
I talked to my sister (shit I forgot what name I made up for her. Had to go back and read my own blogs to remember. Jesus).. BRANDY and let her know everything was setup and good to go.
I asked her "Wanna hear something funny.. and kinda fucked up?".. She said "It can't be any funnier of fucked up than this whole situation so lay it on me".
I giggled "because I laugh at myself way more than other people.. and my own jokes are HILARIOUS!...
I said "What if this was the wrong family?!".. What if this DNA comes back and I find out that he's not my dad.. and these aren't my sisters and that's not my uncle... ?!"
ALL OF THIS WOULD BE SO WEIRD!
I mean I would just die, right?
I spent weeks emotionally invested into these new people in my life.
We all spent time laughing and crying and telling stories.. and IF they were the wrong F'N sisters! Hilarious.
If that shit happened I would just go directly to Paramount Studios and start making a movie.... Wait.
Wouldn't that be the worst? Not only have I built a relationship with these girls over the last few weeks but we've cried together.. LMFAO! Jesus.
Let's hope that's not the case. If so I'm gonna need another blog and probably a better therapist.
ALSO - if there a Sevier Movie....
Who would star as me?
I would love to say it would someone super bowed up and badass like the Rock or Jason Stathom... I mean we are practically twins.
BUT my luck is that it would probably be someone like Paul Reubens or Pauly Shore. Damnit Pee-Wee!
3 days goes by..... and I'm checking my email like a wild banshee. I even emailed the company.
They were taking too long.
ALAS - The results came in! I'm dying!!
For those doing the math! IT's FRIGGIN' HIM! 100%... (well 99.9999991% but I'm gonna confidently round up) .
Even typing this months later... It's hard not to see it and get a little emotional.
Holy shit. 42 years without knowing who this man might be.
It was a little hard to digest.
The first thing I did was text my sisters! Once I got confirmation I also sent a text message to.. "My dad" to tell him to check his email.
It's him guys... I'm happy and I'm sad all at the same time. I gotta talk to my mom.
My wife says "HOLY shit, Mark. We have to go down there. With COVID and his age you don't know if you have a day or a year but if this was my dad and I just found this out I'd get my ass in a car and go down to meet this man"
SOOOO... Next weekend we are doing a road trip to meet my new family!!
HOLY SHIT, RIGHT?